Jokes Archives

Joke: What does a redneck always say just before he dies?

Question: What does a redneck always say just before he dies?

Answer: “Hey, watch this!”

Joke: Where was toothpaste invented?

Question. Where was toothpaste invented?

Answer. Alabama—. Anywhere else it would be called "teeth paste."

Joke: Irishman removing olives from Martini

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks were consumed, the Irishman prepared to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

Joke: Three Irishmen stumbling home from the Pub

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night, and found themselves on a road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole. Says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God! Here's a fella that's 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Joke: Woman in bus wanting to break wind

A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind. She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, disgusting blast.

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

“Um…do you have a transfer ticket?” she finally asks.

“No, I don’t,” he replies. “But when we pass the next tree, I’ll try to grab you a handful of leaves.”

Joke: Three old ladies were sitting side by side...

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Joke: Two boys getting Fs in sex education

Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their sex education teacher.

“I can’t believe we failed sex ed,” says the first boy. “My dad’s gonna kill me.”

“I know,” says the other. “I’m so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!”

Joke: Joe walked out of a brothel feeling hungry

As Joe walked out of a brothel, he was overcome by a sudden pang of hunger and decided to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant across the street. He sat down and ordered chicken noodle soup. After a few bites, he found a pubic hair in his soup and told the waitress he wanted a refund. The waitress remonstrated, “Knowing where you just came from, you’re complaining of a hair in your soup?”

Joe replied, “Lady, if I had found a noodle in the ‘meal’ I ordered from the brothel, I wouldn’t have paid there either!”

Joke: Two women talking...

Two Women Talks:

1st: Roz Subha Mera Doodh wala Bohat Dabata hai.

2nd: Mera Tu Paper Wala Acha hai Bilkul bhi nahi Dabata Nechey se hi Daal deta hai.

Joke: Young guy sunbathing in the nude burning his penis

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"