"I got your community service right here pal!"
"Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
"You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
"You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
"No you robe wearing geek."
"I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
"Just out of curiosity, are you wearing pants?"
Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
Fetch command not available on all platforms.
Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.debonairblog.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
Too Hard To Type With Paws.
The Top 10 Reasons Disney Delayed Launching Their Cruise Line:
Pluto's "accident" on Deck 3.
Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
Exterminator killed off "rat" problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie's cousins.
Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
Charo kept showing up.
The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" kept eating the midnight buffet.
The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the "You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride" Requirements.
Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong.
Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
New hires Doc, Isaac and Gopher quit days before launch, citing that this job is not as "exciting and new" as their last one.
The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up:
Anything that's moving.
Green Carrots.
Moldy Croutons.
Body parts.
Blood in the French Dressing.
A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
I've seen the movie...they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
How should I put this...let's just that the sneeze guard didn't do its job and there's something phlegm related in the radishes.
The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.
I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
This looks like a good spot for a nap.
Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare
Walden as read by James Watt
The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
The Godfather as read by John Gotti
Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson
The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner
Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson
A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton
Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter
Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett
No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain
Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon
Moby Dick as read by Jonah
The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf
Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown
Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Previously: Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation As Hostage Taker
Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
Show up stoned and do anything at all.
When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."
Never Say These To A Man With A Small Penis:
1. Oh ............ Its so cute !
2. Please stop fingering me and come into me !
3. Oh ............ I am so sorry about your penis !
4. Who circumcised you !
5. Why don't we just cuddle !
6. You know ............ They have surgery to fix that !
7. It's more fun to look at !
8. Make it dance please ?
9. You know ............ there's a tower in Italy like that !
10. Can I paint a smiley face on that ?
11. Oh ............ But you have such big feet ............ And this is like this ?
12. My last lover was atleast 6 inches bigger !
13. It's OK ............ We'll work around it !
14. Oh Lord ............ there's an inch worm on your thigh !
15. Will it squeak ............ If I squeeze it ?
16. Oh no ............ I have a sudden headache !
17. Can I be honest with you ?
18. My 8-year-old brother has one like that !
19. Let me go and get my tweezers !
20. This explains your small car !
21. You must be a growing boy !
22. Maybe if we water it ............ It'll grow !
23. Are you one of those pygmies ?
24. Ever hear of Clearasil ?
25. I didn't know they came - this small !
26. Why is God punishing you ?
27. At least this won't take long !
28. Let's just stick with your hand !
29. Do you need a splint to prop that up !
30. How interesting !
31. I never saw one so small like this before !
32. What do you call this ?
33. But it still works right ?
34. It looks so unused !
35. Do you take steroids ?
36. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks the penis !
37. Maybe it looks better in natural light !
38. Let me know when you're done !
39. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt ?
40. Oh ............ It is hiding !.
41. Are you cold ?
42. Is that an optical illusion ?
43. What is that ?
44. Does this run in your family ?
45. It's a good thing you have so many other talents !
46. Does it come with an air pump ?
47. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality !
48. Look ............ It all fits in my mouth at once !
49. Can you get this pencil out of me now ?
50. Can we apply to the Guinness Book of records ?
