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Joke: Two old virgin maid sisters

There were two old-maid sisters ... both virgins.

It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys ... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in ... and 5 inches when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!

Joke: Three men in front of God talking about sex life

Three men who died the same day were presented before God. The almighty showed particular interest in their sex life.

The first one replied that he never had an affair before or after he was married. God granted him a chauffeur-driven Cadillac.

The second man admitted he had some affairs before he was married but none afterwards. God gave him an Ambassador car.

The third man confessed to having had lots of affairs. God gave him a scooter.

A few days later the man with the scooter saw the fellow with the chauffeur-driven Cadillac sitting by the roadside and crying. The scooterist asked him why was he upset.

Replied the Cadillac owner, "I've just seen my wife ride past on a bicycle."

Joke: Kid sees two dogs humping in the back garden

A little kid of 6 sees two dogs humping in the back garden of his house.

"Dad, what are those two dogs doing?" He enquires.

His dad fumbles with a lame explanation. "Well, the doggie on the back has broken his front legs and the other dogies giving him a lift."

The kid looks for a second and replies "Typical that. Try to help someone out and you end up getting fucked in the arse."

Joke: Soldiers enjoying Striptease

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

Joke: Elderly Sex Life

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

Joke: A young pretty female school teacher in class...

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock, what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

Joke: Fat Head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady helping them says, "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:

The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

Joke: Guy shooting himself right through the penis

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Joke: Father clearing doubts of Son on Sex

Son: What is sex?

Father: It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

Son: Why do women enjoy sex more than men?

Father: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

Son: Why woman cannot have ... when they are having menses?

Father: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

Son: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.

Father: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

Son: Why are making love carried out in private?

Father: Use your brain, use your brainnnnn.... Will you dig you nose in front of your class?

Joke: Parrot from brothel at new home...

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $15.

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot"

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How are you doing, George?" says the parrot.




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