Jokes Archives

Joke: Two women discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Joke: Womans Point Of View

From a woman's point of view:
- The most perfect man in the world is her father.
- The most abused husband in the world is her brother.
- The most handsome man in the world is her son.
- The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister's husband.
- The most thankful man in the world is her son in law.
- And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in the world is her husband.

Joke: Man practicing Black Magic dies...

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.

Joke: Loving Wife!

Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.

"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

Joke: Never Lie to a Smart Woman!

Husband: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good.

The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"

"I did... They're in your fishing box !!!

Joke: Never Underestimate a Woman!

A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands.

Up to 65 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 75 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "The airbag."

Joke: Young lady looking for a spouse

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the result to the woman.

The result read, "Buy a television."

Joke: Cheating Wives!

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver, "Do you want to earn Rs 5000 right away?"

The driver excitedly said, "What do I have to do?"

"Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here's a picture of her."

After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.

And the husband says to him, "This is not my wife."

The driver replied, "Nooooo, this is mine, hold her for me. I'm going for yours!"

Joke: Girl dialing boyfriends new number...

After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.

"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.

"This is Jimmy," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

Joke: Man ordered for a voice automated robot car...

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school."

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your children sir." In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.

The Wife said, "Don't tell me all these are your children ?"

The man asked her calmly, "an you first tell me why our children are not in the car?"


December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005