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Jokes Archives



Joke: A policeman pulls a driver...

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test.

I can’t do that because I’m an asthmatic,” says the man. “The Breathalyzer could bring on an attack.”

So the cop suggests a urine sample.

“Can’t do it,” says the man. “I’m a diabetic, so my urine always has strange stuff in it.”

“Well,” says the angry cop, “why don’t you just get out of the car and walk this white line?”

“Sorry,” says the man, “but I can’t do that either.”

“Why not?” asks the officer.

“Because I’m drunk.”

Joke: Team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel...

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high elligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically. But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!”

Joke: Before you criticize someone...

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Joke: Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style?

Question. Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style?

Answer. So they can both watch NASCAR.

Joke: The perfect Lions team

Coach Marty Mornhinweg had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Mornhinweg said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Mornhinweg asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “…I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!”

Joke: What is short for titfuck?

% secretly is short for titfuck. (Russian)

Joke: One blonde and one brunette inherit family ranch...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow.”

Joke: Car heading the wrong way

A man was listening to the radio when he heard that there was a car heading the wrong way down Interstate 7; he knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and yelled hysterically, “Honey, watch out! There is a car going the wrong way on Interstate 7!”

His wife replied, “There isn’t just one car! There are hundreds of them!”

Joke: A funny story...

A reporter is interviewing an old man in Arkansas and asks for a funny story.

“Well, there was that time one of ol’ Ted’s sheep got lost in the woods,” says the old-timer. “The boys got together, brought a few jugs of moonshine, and went looking for it. By the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk we took turns screwin’ it till we passed out.”

“My god!” the reporter exclaims. “I can’t print that in a respectable paper! Do you have any sad stories?”

The old man’s eyes well up with tears. “Well, there was that time I got lost in the woods…”

Joke: Whats blonde and brown blonde and brown blonde and brown?

Question. What’s blonde and brown, blonde and brown, blonde and brown?

Answer. Madonna doing cartwheels.