Jokes Archives

Joke: Difference between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Baby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.

Joke: A real woman is mans best friend

A real woman is man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... NO wait.... Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind...

Joke: A Burger or a Kiss!!!

Wife: Can you help me in the gardening ?

Husband: What do you think I am... a gardener ?

Wife: Can you fix the door handle ?

Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?

In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.

Husband: Who did all this ?

Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options.... Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.

Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger.

Wife: What do you think I am.......McDonald ?!!

Joke: Marriage Vows!

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"

Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' shit. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."

Joke: A Dog and a Husband!

Put your wife in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and see who is 'Happy' to see you, and who will 'BITE' you !

(You are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals who are now divorced and living happily with their dog)

Don't laugh loud... the extended version says...

Put your husband in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you but you be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before.

Joke: Unlucky Husbands!

Two women friends met after many years.

"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"

"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"

"That's really awful!"

"And what about your daughter?"

"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."

Joke: Who's Cheating?

A husband and a wife were sleeping. Suddenly, a sound of a car screeching was heard outside.

The wife woke up and shouted, "Oh it must be my husband!"

The husband woke up after he hear his wife's words and ran off to hide in a bush outside.

Moments later, the husband came in, angry, "What do you mean 'Oh it must be my husband!' Are you saying you have other men over?"

Wife, "Well, then why did you run away?"

Joke: Husband in a good mood

Darling, remember 25 years ago.... I had a rented one room apartment, a table fan, a black & white TV and a cycle to use. But, at night I used to sleep besides a 25 year old beautiful girl.

Now I own a luxurious bungalow with, 4 LED TVs, a Limousine and a Porsche, servants... but I sleep with a 50 year old woman.

Wife: Don't worry... Just find yourself a 25 year old beautiful woman... and I will make sure that you go back to your 1 room rented apartment, table fan, black & white TV and a cycle.

Joke: Cheap Bastards!

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

Joke: Ex Wife!

George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."

George gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?

George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before!!!"

George retorts, "I wasn't..."


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