Jokes Archives

Joke: When it comes to friendship...

When it comes to friendship, here's what happens.

If a woman doesn't come home to her husband one night, and the next day she tells him she slept over at a friend's house, the man calls his wife's 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.

If a man doesn't come home to his wife one night, and the next day he tells her he slept over at a friend's house, she calls her husband's 10 best friends-eight of them say he did sleep over, and two claim he's still there.

Joke: Sailor coming home from a secret two year mission at sea

A sailor came home from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Joe ", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Bob then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Joke: George Robin and Alex are standing at the Gates of Heaven...

George, Robin and Alex are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter.

"Ok you, George, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"

"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life".

"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."

St. Peter turns to Robin, "How many times did you cheat on your wife??"

Robin replies, "I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here are the keys. Get going!"

He then looks at Alex, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"

Alex lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!"

George and Robin have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Alex turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out.

George asks, "Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!"

Between sobs Alex explains, "I just saw my wife driving a Nano!"

Joke: Wife suspecting husband having an affair with the housemaid

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.

One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid’s room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid’s bed beside her…

After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, “Surprised?”

“I sure am, ma’am!” stammered the chauffeur.

Joke: Cheating Spouse!

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."

"But why ?" asked the judge.

She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."

The judge asked, "How do you know ?"

She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Joke: Trust between Husbands and Wives

A New York City hotel sent thank-you letters to each of twelve hundred former guests for staying in the past several months. The problem was that they chose the wrong computerized mailing list. The thank-you letter was sent out to fifteen hundred people who had not stayed at that particular hotel.

One of the hotel managers discovered this mistake when the hotel switchboard started lighting up. The hotel was swamped with calls. Every line was ringing.

On one line there was a pregnant woman tearfully saying that her husband didn't believe the baby was his. He thought it was produced at her big night at the hotel without him.

Many other spouses called to say they now knew what their significant other was really doing on their long lunches and after work meetings.

The hotel manager commented in a sarcastic manner, "Husbands and wives don't trust each other much these days!"

Joke: Better Lover

A maid asks for a pay rise.

“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.

“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”

“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.

“Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”

“Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.

“No, the driver did.”

The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.

Joke: Lie Detector

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda.

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Ok! It was a Porno.

Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!

The robot slaps the Dad.

Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.

The robot slaps the mom.

Joke: Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief.

The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Joke: Husband coming home very roughed up

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.

When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."

"Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Smith on the third floor."


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