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Joke: Elderly Sex Life

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

Joke: A young pretty female school teacher in class...

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock, what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, Little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

Joke: Fat Head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady helping them says, "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:

The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

Joke: Guy shooting himself right through the penis

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Joke: Father clearing doubts of Son on Sex

Son: What is sex?

Father: It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

Son: Why do women enjoy sex more than men?

Father: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

Son: Why woman cannot have ... when they are having menses?

Father: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

Son: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.

Father: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

Son: Why are making love carried out in private?

Father: Use your brain, use your brainnnnn.... Will you dig you nose in front of your class?

Joke: Parrot from brothel at new home...

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $15.

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot"

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How are you doing, George?" says the parrot.

Joke: Elderly man entered car agency with his young wife

The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife.

The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed.

"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"OK, agreed!"

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.

"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.

Joke: Rocking Sex

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for hundred bucks I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For 300 bucks I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for 500 bucks I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled 500 rupee note and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "I want it five times in the rocking chair!"

Joke: Dress of lady going up on a windy day...

An American is walking down the street in London on a windy day.

A woman is walking down the street toward him when suddenly the wind blows her dress up. Astonishingly, she is not wearing undies.

The American, trying to sound as English as possible, says to her, "A bit airy, isn't it?"

The woman scowls and replies angrily, "What did you expect, feathers?"

Joke: An older couple are playing in the annual club championship...

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a six inch putt that the wife has to make.

She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"




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